Camrose???

Since all I've written about so far is embarrassing things other people have done I figured I should share something embarassing I've done.

I was heading up to Camrose with my cousin and wife a year or two ago, and before we left the city we stopped at one of the best fast food chains out there for dinner or lunch or something. Yes, the restaurant I'm talking about is Arby's. But I'm not writing about the most excellent Beef and Cheddar sandwiches that this most excellent fine food establishment serves, so I'll continue without dwelling on this. I went up to order, and when the person behind the counter, lets call him Ted, asked me where I was going I quickly responded with one word: "Camrose". Ted didn't say anything back, and gave me a bit of a weird look. As I stood there I realized that asking me where I was going was kind of a weird question, and responded with a weird and puzzled look of my own with the thought of "what kind of crack addict question is that? ya crack addict". We stood there in kind of an awkward silence for a few minutes (maybe seconds) before I figured out that he must have asked me what I wanted, not where I was going. Needless to say my so called friends and my so called wife thought this was frickin hilarious. The whole drive up to Camrose I was bombarded with shouts of "Camrose" done in an awkward slightly hickish dumbass accent. To this day they still throw out the occasional "Camrose" when answering a question from me. I don't generally take too well to being bugged, so this was torture for me. Thanks again Ted.

Bathroom Surprise #2

Ok, I remembered another story worth typing. You can thank Jamie for reminding me of it. Just wanted to say that so she can't complain about me writing this.

Maybe 2.5, 3 years ago a friend was moving some of their stuff into our basement to store for a couple months. He/she (identities have been altered for privacy protection) had a couple friends helping, and at some point one of them stopped for a bathroom break. Nothing special in itself, but after they left I went to use the washroom myself and discovered something interesting. I lifted the toilet seat and found that a deposit had been made and not flushed. Now, while being quite gross, this isn't the really weird part that I'm writing about. I mean, who hasn't maybe forgot to flush before. Accidents happen. I can't blame the guy/girl too much for taking a dump and not flushing. The thing that startled me and made this particular "non-flusher" stick in my memory was the fact that there was absolutely no TP in the toilet with the turd. I'm not talking about a small turd either, it was huge. The person had clearly let one go and not wiped. And it wasn't just that we were out of TP, it was right there on the wall beside the toilet. I don't know, maybe it wasn't soft enough and he was just making a statement that we need to buy better toilet paper (I'm just using he from here on in for simplicity sake - don't read anything in to it). I guess the good thing though was that even if he didn't wash his hands it didn't really matter as there wasn't anything to wash off. It still creeped me out though, and I made Jamie sani-flush the toilet and bathroom door knob. Sometimes stuff just creeps me out and I can't (don't want to) get over it.

To this day Jamie claims that the toilet must have just sucked down the toilet paper and nothing else. Now, our toilet does suck, and often doesn't get everything down in the first flush, but her theory clearly lacks the basic understanding of some pretty simple physics principals. I don't personally know which ones, but I do know they're there and that they can't be broken, simply allowing paper to be sucked down while leaving a turd behind.

So that's it. Not too interesting, but something at least. So far all my stories involve people leaving stuff in my bathroom. Maybe I'll branch out in the future, but for now I'll write about what I know best. Maybe this will teach all of you people out there to stop leaving gross stuff in my bathroom. And if anyone tries to leave an upper tanker I'll know who you are, and I won't leave out names. Be very afraid, I think there are two people who may have read some of the last post.

6 am Surprise

I'm generally not a huge 'blogger' fan. I don't read them much, even my wifes, and I never thought I'd bother writing one. That is until I experienced a traumatizing event this morning that I somehow feel the need to express and get on paper or screen or whatever to hopefully somehow maybe possibly excise it from memory. So here goes.

Some friends of my wife had been staying with us last week, and were flying out this morning. I got up at about 5:30 to take them to the airport, and after our guest finished in the bathroom I went in and started the shower. I stepped in to the shower with my right foot which promtly skidded forward 3 inches, nearly sending me to the floor. I looked down, and 'what the fuh...' my foot is standing in a big, green and yellow disgusting pile of hork. Thats nasaly phlegmy spit and snot for those of you that don't know what hork is. It had been there for a few minutes and wouldn't simply be washed down the drain by spraying a little water at it, so I then had to manually scrub the shower floor with my goober covered foot to get it down the drain.

My wife starts gagging if she even sees someone else spit, and I generally make fun of her for it, but I came pretty close to throwing up in the shower this morning.

So that's the traumatic experience that got me to start a blog. I can't get the picture out of my mind, or the slimy feeling against my foot out of my memory. It still haunts me. No amount of scrubbing can make be feel clean. Maybe bleach and some sandpaper would work. How many layers of skin can you take off before you scar? What diseases can be passed by hork to skin contact? I think I'm going to have sponge baths in the sink for a while.